Understanding the Rules of Connection

Authenticity is an important tool in connection. While being authentic, be realistic and respect boundaries.

Some years ago I was invited by a friend to an event. This friend of mine is older and well connected. So, I always respect and look up to him in many things. He is spiritual and at a level of relationship with God that I admired so much. So, this particular day I was among the five people he invited to a special event in Ikeja. The event was great and classy. As usual, plenty rice, drinks, and other assorted meals graced our table.

My friend gestured that we should eat. Before he finished the other three guys dived in, started devouring the food. I held back, waited for him to start before I started eating. I made sure I followed his "guidance". Though I was seriously hungry, but I had one serving of rice, chicken and a bottle of malt drink. The other guys had their rice and pounded yam while their mouths chewed uncontrollable at the assorted meat.

After the party, this my big friend gave us cash for transport. I declined telling him I had my transport fare back to my destination. The other guys collected theirs. We all hugged him, bade him farewell, and headed to our destination. While heading to the bustop my phone rang, and it was my 'big' friend. I picked the call and he just said, "please can you come back".

So, I went back to the party. When I got there he pleaded with me to accompany him to see one of his mentors. I hopped into his car and he drove to Victoria Garden City (VGC). To be sincere, that was my first time entering any house or visiting anyone in VGC. "Remember say I be ajepako from Oshodi" When we got to his mentor's house, I could hardly breathe. The place was like heaven. We were ushered in to a big living area with different kinds of artworks, potted plants, beautiful sofas, marble floors, etc. That day I told myself I must make it in life. I suddenly hated poverty, instant deliverance came upon me.

Few minutes later, his mentor stepped out to join us. He turned out to be someone I've admired for several years on TV. We exchanged pleasantries and he made his way to a comfortable sofa opposite us. My friend introduced me to him, "Sir, meet Bishop Mike. He's rounding off his MSc in UI. Mike is a good friend....and .... since our undergraduate days in UI." He said with so much enthusiasm. His mentor greeted me again. Asked a few questions about my education, goals, aspirations, etc. His chef asked us what we would like to eat, I declined that we just ate at a party few minutes before arriving there. My friend said same. We only requested for two bottles of sprites.

After they began to chat about businesses, ministry, church, etc. I didn't contribute or say a word. I was just there listening to them. As in, what am I expected to contribute in the presence of a millionaire (yes, my friend made his first millions less than a year after graduation) and a 'billionaire'? The wisest thing was to listen and absorb everything I could get from both of them. At some point, he said something about an idea that I was really passionate about. He's trying out this idea and not sure about it. I tilted a bit towards my friend to seek his permission to speak to his mentor. He said, 'oh no! Bishop, please talk to him. You do not need my permission to do so'. His mentor laughed and said to him, "this is a good friend. I understand him and his ethics."

So I spoke, gave some tips about the project. Clarified some of his ideas and he was quite happy. He told my friend he's really glad I didn't keep quiet when he needed the clarifications. After a few minutes we decided to leave. While we were in the car about driving out, he called my friend to see him briefly. Less than 5 minutes he was back with some stuffs in a box. My friend kept them in the backseat and we drove off.

When I got to my destination, my friend handed me an envelope. I was wondering 'why' and he said his mentor wanted me to have it. Really? Why? I said. He laughed and said, his mentor said it was my consultation fees for clarifying his ideas and saving him from the headache of not knowing what to do. I was shocked! What!? Consultation what?! I thanked him and walked in. I counted the money and it was =N=50,000. Me? 50k for speaking less than 5 minutes? So, I called my friend to tell him the amount in the envelope. He laughed and said, "Mike continue to be you. You know I respect your ethics a lot". "Did you know why I called you back after the party?" I said No! He said, "you were the only one who did not embarrass me at the table. My plan was to take all of you with me to see my mentor".

Unknown to us, his mentor had asked him to invite his closest friends for a chat. The party was our first test and the other guys failed. I was almost discarded because of the behaviours of others. My rejection of the transport fare was my saving grace. My friend continued, "you were not only disciplined at the table, you also had control over money. You're the only student among us and yet you did not jump at the offer of the money when I gave you. Others work and earn good salary, yet they collected money from me. I offered you =N=5,000 you declined, now God has multiplied it by 10. Just continue to be who you are....."

I cannot overemphasise the lessons here. Do not take for granted the principles of connection. Do not embarass your host. Do not overeat or eat more than your host when you are at his table.  Although his mentor was someone I would like to know personally, I did not ask for his contact details. Please note this. It's important for my friend to connect me or for the mentor to ask for connection with me. Don't be too desperate. His mentor is not my friend, so I can't interject into their conversations. Watch how you talk if you're not invited into the conversation. If you need to, ask your friend if he's okay with it. I never had another opportunity to meet this man again. In fact, I left Nigeria few years later. To the glory of God, I've been mentored by people with similar or higher status since then. I'm not a billionaire yet (except in Zimbabwean dollars 😄), but I'm not doing bad for myself.